You see, when the going gets tough, the toughest of the forelock tuggers, hagiographers, knob polishers and crony commentariat get going.
The pond was delighted by the spin in this header by the reptiles at the lizard Oz, with the reptiles trying to get out of jail with some post-modernist, ironic single inverted commas:
Indeed. What a heavenly angel, what a guardian.
Help out Qantas? Why not? While we're at it, how about the Commonwealth Bank? Bring back Chifley and nationalise all the bloody banks ...
How desperate and pathetic can it get?
Well hapless James Morrow, contemplating the matters of a Qantas buyback, the GrainCorp bid, and the attempt to ramp up the GST on international goods to help out retail - no matter if it cost more than it earned - was in a slump, and saw it all as a grand plan, in A decision that goes against the Liberals' grain (behind the paywall so you don't have to give a toss about Liberal grain):
Perhaps this is all part of a grand plan, a marathon of reform rather than a sprint, to flush out pro-market sentiments within Labor that can be used as wedges later.
Already Chris Bowen has come out slamming Hockey's decision on GrainCorp as "pathetic" and it is Labor premiers who are against the government taking a cut every time Australians order a cookbook from Amazon.
Maybe armed with these statements, Hockey will be able to force Labor to sign up to a more ambitious program of reform down the track.
We can only hope.
Or we can only be truly deluded.
The pond feels for Morrow, and has decided that he's a worthy winner of the inaugural Grand Imperial Order of the Majestic Pie-Eater prize for silliness.
Here you go, prize pie-eater, take a bow and a digital splash:
Oh that header's looking ghostly grey ... we hope it feels better after you've eaten that pie.
Naturally Akker Dakker was on hand to shove a finger in the dyke (no smutty jokes, please), and the Daily Terror felt the message was so needed they kept him on the revolving fickle digital splash of fame long after the piece's use-by date:
The seriously flawed assumption? Why it can only be that Christopher Pyne isn't a poodle ...
Long term readers of Akker Dakker will know you only need one slogan: four legged Poodle Pyne good, naughty two legged state Liberal leaders baad.
Yep, that's Liberal leaders, who shockingly accused Pyne and Abbott of misrepresentation and deviousness and promise breaking, lying in short, in all but name, and when it comes to Liberal on Liberal, Akker Dakker knows where he squats. No doubt we can apply the Morrow strategy:
Maybe armed with Akker Dakker columns, Pyne will be able to force Liberal state leaders to sign up to a more ambitious program of reform down the track.
We can only hope.
But wait, these are mere tabloid follies. We need the heavy hitters at the lizard Oz. How goes the Saturday digital day?
Oh dear. After his bold brave decision on GrainCorp, jolly Joe is going to sort out Qantas.
It seems the toughest of the crony commentariat are having a bit of a fainting fit, wilting a little in the heat of the kitchen:
Is there anybody else?
And as a bonus, you get to put John Durie's words to music, and sing along with Cyndi Lauper:
You can lose sight of it all
And the veto darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true veto colors
I see your true farmer agrarian socialist colors
And that's why I love you
The second verse should probably feature Alan Joyce and the Qantas board flying the airline into the ground, in much the same way as the crazed Egyptian flight officer in a recent repeat of Air Crash Investigations, but hush, this is all getting far too serious, and we need a squirrel.
Please, please, is there a squirrel in the house.
Phew, that's a relief. It sounds serious ...
But it also sounds deeply mysterious. Who are these friends? Why should the PM show no mercy?
Bizarrely, the pond saw the splash transform before its eyes (and sadly before a screen cap). You see, in the original, it was a little more giving. It actually mentioned the ABC.
But clearly the reptiles at the lizard Oz are now very sensitive about being featured in Crikey collages, as they maintain the rage against the cardigan wears.
Oh wait, it's come back, it can take its pride of place in any decent collage:
Can anybody join in this squirrel hunt?
Of course they can:
Usually the pond wouldn't use Greg Sheridan as a shoelace to secure a shoe to a real investigative journalist's foot, but surely he has a point here.
It's much more courageous and profoundly journalistic simply to eavesdrop on a celebrity, and publish the results in a tabloid ... unless it happens to get a little sordid, and land in court ... but even then it's surely real journalism. Why the Daily Terror is a most wondrous example of photoshopped front page ratbag ideology dressed up as journalism the world has ever seen. What brave lads and lasses ...
And there you have it.
The pond was feeling lazy, but really all you need in Murdoch la la land is a tour of the headlines, because everything else will be astonishingly predictable, banal, dreary and wet. How did Macbeth put it?
Chairman Rupert! - I am sick at heart,
When I behold - Chairman Rupert, I say - This paywall
Will cheer me ever, or disseat me now.
I have liv'd long enough: my way of life
Is fall'n into the sear, the yellow leaf;
And that which should accompany old age,
As intelligent journalism, balanced reading,
Memory beyond two days past of what was said and promised.
I must not look to have; but, in their stead
Routine relentless monotonous Murdochian curses,
Both loud and deep, no mouth-honour or breath,
Which the poor heart would fain deny, and dare not,
Because it's all too bloody predictable ...
Or some such thing.
But on pleasant note, to end on an up - as you always do when you think of the wisdom of the Fool in King Lear - it was good to see that cartoonists are again being celebrated in Old Parliament House. Of late, the pond has been giving David Rowe and David Pope a fine old pounding, so here instead is
David Rowe turning up for the launch of the exhibition.
You can also see him on the ABC here. Thank the long absent lord for the ABC, eh Ms Collier?
And look, there's David Pope with ... sorry, the pond has a short memory ...
And look there's Andrew Marlston, otherwise known as a dog, but certainly not a poodle ...
The long absent lord bless them all, eh Tiny Tim, in times of trouble they've been the one fragile link to sanity for the pond ...
And you'll find a link to the exhibition, Behind the Lines 2013, here.