Sunday, August 01, 2010

Chance the Gardener, an exclusive for the punters from the Herald and an exclusive for the parrots from Lord Downer of Baghdad ...


(Above: a coot, a sentimental bloke, who has a go).

Watching the mynah birds and the parrots fight over the succulent juices in a Formosan cherry tree made me think somehow of the mysteries of the seasons, the election cycle, and the meaning of life, as explained in the impeccable Being There:

President "Bobby": Mr. Gardner, do you agree with Ben, or do you think that we can stimulate growth through temporary incentives?
[Long pause]
Chance the Gardener: As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden.
President "Bobby": In the garden.
Chance the Gardener: Yes. In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.
President "Bobby": Spring and summer.
Chance the Gardener: Yes.
President "Bobby": Then fall and winter.
Chance the Gardener: Yes.
Benjamin Rand: I think what our insightful young friend is saying is that we welcome the inevitable seasons of nature, but we're upset by the seasons of our economy.
Chance the Gardener: Yes! There will be growth in the spring!
Benjamin Rand: Hmm!
Chance the Gardener: Hmm!
President "Bobby": Hm. Well, Mr. Gardner, I must admit that is one of the most refreshing and optimistic statements I've heard in a very, very long time.
[Benjamin Rand applauds]
President Bobby: I admire your good, solid sense. That's precisely what we lack in Canberra.

Oh okay, it should be Capitol Hill, but there's nothing like a little local colour because the current election campaign has all the charm and depth of a conversation with Chance the Gardener.

That's the dull official campaign.

In the unofficial campaign, all the squawking parrots are out and about having a fine old time sticking their beaks into the cherry blossoms.

Taking this "exclusive" story in The Sun-Herald by Jessica Wright and Ellen Lutton under the header Parties bet they will lose:

Senior Labor figures have placed significant bets on the outcome of the federal election, with some punting against their own party. A major betting agency said bets had been placed on members of the opposing team to win marginal seats in NSW and Queensland.

By golly, that's shocking, disturbing news. Australians celebrate two up as being at the core of the nation's mythology, not to mention a love of betting on two blow flies racing up a window, and here's punters punting against their party. Have they no shame?

Luckily the source is properly identified only as a major betting agency, and there's clearly no commercial benefit to be gained by their being named as a good outfit where you can place a bet:

Centrebet primary analyst Neil Evans said: ''I can't tell you who but I can tell you this: these are people very high up betting on some of the critical seats and I can tell you they don't always stay faithful to their party - they swap sides.

Sorry, it seems Centrebet can tell us that they're a good place to place a bet, and dinkum, do they respect client confidentiality or what. But they can tell us there's some schismatics, some deviants, some splitters, some rats in the ranks, who'll take long odds and likely make a fortune by placing a bet at ... Centrebet.

Now once again, who are these punters?

''They are well-known Labor figures and associates that are punting on these seats. A lot of Labor-connected money has been backing a Coalition win in marginal seats and, to a lesser extent, the Coalition has been doing the reverse.''

Uh huh. Why that's so revelatory I just reel away shocked and astonished by the revelation. But hang on, as a well know loon pond figure and associate, what are the odds of which I might partake?

The revelations follow a 24-hour betting frenzy in which the Coalition's odds tightened from $3.32 to $2.64 and the ALP eased from $1.32 to $1.46.

A Herald/Nielsen poll published yesterday showed the Coalition - buoyed by damaging leaks against the Government - has an election-winning lead with a two-party preferred vote of 52 to 48 per cent.

With the ALP at its longest price in the betting markets since Prime Minister Julia Gillard deposed Kevin Rudd, bets of $10,000 at $3.25, $7800 at $3.10, $5000 at $2.90 plus scores of other small bets were recorded for a Tony Abbott victory.

By golly, those are truly remarkable and tasty revelations. A plug for the Herald's poll, a plug for the plunging odds and a plug for gambling ...

Why I might get into that game. But who could I place a bet with? Hmmm ....


Election betting is on track to reach record levels across the country. More than $1 million in head-to-head bets have been placed with Centrebet alone.

Centrebet! That's where the punters are heading. More than a million smackeroos .That's it, I think I'll place a bet with Centrebet.

By golly those revelatory odds are sensational. And did I mention Centrebet in this exclusive piece? And it's nice to know I'll be amongst the prominent politicians having a flutter. Oh sorry, did I say politician? Here's what I meant:

The Sun-Herald understands the figures include parliamentary staffers, advisers and senior party officials.

Why it might even include politicians for all we know, but since it's a no names no pack drill day, let's not name anyone.

Come to think of it, since here at the pond, we like to be fair and balanced, all this talk of gambling is making me nervous, so what kind of nelly, some anti-gambling crusader, some lone valiant independent, some mother grundy, can we wheel out to cluck about this deplorable tendency by the unnamed to drop their dollars at ... (trumpets and alarums please sound) .... Centrebet?

Independent senator and anti-gambling campaigner Nick Xenophon said: ''In the same way in the AFL officials and players can't bet on the other team, the same rules should apply for election betting. We have those rules in place so matches aren't thrown and, when it comes to a democracy, the stakes are much higher and therefore the standards should be accordingly higher.''

Today the senator will call for all politicians, party officials and advisers to be banned from election betting.

Oh dear sweet absent lord, and tormenter of Penola, it seems politics is just an AFL game in disguise.

Well there you have it, a handsome splash for Neil Evans and Centrebet, and surely a chance to make Media Watch as a throwaway item, but you can always bet (we offer odds currently of 1.01 to 1.00) that there'll be a fly in the ointment, a spoilsport, a goody two shoes who'll rain on the parade:

Sportingbet operations manager Bill Richmond confirmed the practice of high-ranking party officials and even politicians taking a punt.

''Not that I've heard of it this year, although it has happened before,'' he said. ''They may be with other betting agencies but they're not with us.''

There you go, done and dusted. If you're an aspiring loon pond figure or associate, the mugs at Sportingbet are clearly not the go, it's Centrebet for you ...



But if politics is just an AFL game, then what position would we place Lord Downer of Baghdad? Why surely as head kicker, shirt front grabber, stiff armer, and wielder of a fierce coathanger arm, and if only he could play across the codes, then surely a deliverer of fierce grapple tackles.

You see, Lord Downer has entered the fray with his own "exclusive" for The Australian, which ABC radio news bizarrely deemed suitable fodder to lead off its news stories this Sunday.

Alexander Downer accuses Kevin Rudd of Labor betrayal is the header, and it seems the cunning Lord Downer used former chairman Rudd as a patsy, publishing leaked information to him so that Kevin Rudd could take down Laurie Brereton as shadow foreign affairs minister.

The infinite subtlety of this fiendishly clever plan? Why Rudd got the job and then became leader of the opposition and then won the election and became Chairman, and now Lord Downer is just a gibbering feather duster prat photographed like a goose or a parrot lolling on his lounge in his Mount George home.

Now you might wonder what you think of the ethics of a politician who would leak dark dire secrets to the opposition. But have no doubt that the prattish Lord Downer knows how to take a firm principled stand:

“I don't use the c-word, but I do use the f-word pretty freely, and I can tell you that Kevin Rudd is a f…ing awful person,” he said.

“He was so incredibly unprincipled.”


But you were the incredibly unprincipled one that leaked to him, you fucking goose, you lord fucking Downer of fucking Baghdad. And if you were leaking matters of state, how unprincipled is that. And if you were leaking the usual drivel, how drivelish do you now sound ...

But at least the dingbats at The Australian, in the grip of this mud-racking, storm in a tea cup, carp in a loon pond exclusive, had the sense of mind to appreciate one of the many ironies in this bit of egg beating:

As Labor's opposition foreign affairs spokesman, Mr Rudd politically linked Mr Downer with the Australia Wheat Board oil for food kickbacks scandal in Iraq.

Politically linked him? You mean the Foreign Affairs Minister could just wash his hands of the AWB Oil for Wheat Scandal that happened on his watch?

How about linking him to unprincipled leaking to unprincipled types, like a fucking leaking faucet?

Never mind, I'm sure all is peace and quiet on the plush lounges of Mount George homes, as the feather dusters go about their fucking business, except for the burbling sound of the parrots making out on the lush cherry blossom nectar in the garden ...

But enough already. If reading this kind of tosh is how you spend your Sunday, why is it that I have a sudden urge to go place a bet?

Will someone offer me good odds on the proposition that the amount of drivel in an election campaign increases exponentially to the point where you think Chance the Gardener is speaking solid good sense?

(Below: and now for a break without a kit kat, and no mention of Centrebet, as Alec "the force" Guiness, Anthony Steele and Muriel Pavlow are shown the art of two up, by members of 78WG, while on location for the filming of Malta Story, found here).

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