Sunday, July 05, 2015

When decadent chooks are elected to represent mighty Tamworthians, there will be incoherent blather, babble and bluster ...

Dear sweet, innocent, helpless, hapless, useless, hopeless Barners.

Does the man have a case of foot in mouth disease or footrot or what?

We're all used to comical photos of Barners - where would we be without them? - but the latest outbreak of foot in mouth was pure gold.

The pond had the undiluted pleasure of watching Barners go through the gate and get drenched on The Insiders, and you can too, here. By the end of it, the pond was thinking that perhaps the only way to save the herd was a good crotching, or maybe a little tar on the open wounds.

No wonder they hate the ABC. Asked a simple question, Barners was reduced to a stumbling, flummoxed, babbling, blathering incoherence, until he reached deep into his vocabulary and came out with "decadent", juxtaposed with Asia.

Now this will have been all over new media, but what does the mighty Northern Daily Leader think of it?

Remember, Barners represents Tamworth, once the centre of the known universe - at least until Barners turned up on the stump and made everyone look silly.

No doubt the NDL will treat their fearless representative with respect and a statesmanlike photo:

Oh that's so cruel, NDL, and worse you just had to add:

Asked directly if Australia embracing gay marriage would be seen as decadent, Mr Joyce said: "I think in some instances they would, yes." (here you go, take a squiz at the rag the pond grew up with).

Actually Barners, decadent is what country boys get up to with poddy calves, but shush, the pond's genteel city slicker readers wouldn't have the first clue what we're talking about, eh Barners?

Now here's the crucial, the key question Barners.

Are we being severe enough? Are we taking a firm enough stand against these decadent deviants?

If we're to avoid the impression of decadence in Asia, shouldn't we be immediately legislating against decadence?

How about we take a leaf out of Malaysia's statutes? Here, allow the pond to refresh your memory:

(And there's more here - since we're talking old school fundamentalist Taliban thinking, have you thought about the advantages of Sharia law?)

There was silly old David Marr rabbiting on about how he'd be locked up for 15 years in Malaysia, but let's face it, hanging's too good for him. Got to be tough on decadence Barners, or we'll lack respect. You know, the sort of respect a Mafia gangster expects ...

And have you thought of some of the other advantages? Why you could send your political opponents off to jail for years on trumped up charges of offending the order of nature! Solid Asian values! No one could call us decadent then!

Occasionally the pond feels a twinge of guilt about all this. Gays no doubt feel hurt and offended, being labelled some kind of decadent ancient Spartan Greek or barbaric Roman senator with a taste for oysters and snails, but look at the upside ...the pond gets an easy post every time these geese open their mouths and cackle.

It's an ill wind, as we used to say in Tamworth when the wind blew like a gale down the Peel valley ...

But now Tamworth, it's time to own up and to 'fess up.

Just when did you get into the business of electing cackling geese? Surely ripping off cheap foreign chook labour is more your game ...

In which the pond pauses for a Sunday reflection, and notes the great threat posed by feminists, homosexuals and intellectuals, with their lah-di-dah ideas ...

Being a day of review and reflection, it's worth remembering this Sunday Jon Stewart's smackdown of the Donald, one of many, even if it ends in despair - for those who don't spoof the Comedy Channel, it's still available online here.

And then there was the death of a Mormon poo bah who reminded the pond of the real enemy, when:

In 1993, he warned that the religion faced the greatest threat from three groups: feminists, homosexuals and intellectuals.

Because Mormons and their funny underwear have always had problems with women, gays, and ideas, and blacks too, but that's another weird story ...

Mormon leader Boyd K Packer dies aged 90 ran the Graudian headline, but all that said to the pond was that Packer had a good long run spreading hate, fear and division, along with a lot of silly ideas (yes, the pond has read that very weird Book of Mormon, which is up there with Xenu in terms of ultimate nonsense).

And then a correspondent - where would the pond be without its correspondents - notified the pond of yet another angry Sydney Anglican who showed off both the bile and the lack of humour that's notable in the breed:

Ould's probably too much of a fuckwitted fool to understand that not so deep beneath the surface of what he deems funny is just more of that Mormon hatred of women, gays and intellectuals.

What's funny is that a hate and fear monger should dress himself in the clothes of Christ:

The pantalooned loon ... if he'd wanted a funny dress joke, why did he go past the frocks?

And if you can be bothered reading Ould's more recent post, Australian Bishops Begin "Subtly Promoting" the Same-Sex Agenda - yes, there's still doofuses out there aligned with American fundamentalists chattering about the same-sex agenda - you'll discover the few comments are filled with lamentations about liberals and progressives, with much talk of shunning and banishment ... and so the virtuous circle is complete, as we're blessed with a PM who talks of a modern form of banishment as medievalism still stalks the land.

There's no point in being polite to these folk - they are incessant and rabid and always on the move and they fight their battles at the grass roots level, spreading poison - for example, who remembers the Angry Anglicans copping a ban from the NSW government on certain books peddling guilt trips about sex back in May - Anglican church angry over Department of Education banning of "one-partner" material - followed in June by the inevitable news that the NSW government (currently led by a clap happy facilitator), had folded.

One partner for life? Only in the Donald's dreams and yet the regularly married Donald counts himself as a Presbyterian ...

Then there was that reliable cult Hillsong making the news by seeking to redeem the irredeemable Mark 'penis house' Driscoll and practising harassment on anyone who dared to criticise it. (Outspoken Hillsong critic arrested for trespass).

Shades of scientological folly ...

Meanwhile, as the Xians busily go about the continuing persecution of liberals, gays, progressives, women, intellectuals and actual ideas, there are ongoing howls of pain at the way Oregon cake bakers get fined $13,500 for being fundamentalist bigots, and headlines complaining that Christian Americans, and Christians around the world, are under siege ...

Because they can't keep heaping abuse on the different and the unbelievers ...

Of course it's a toss-up between fundamentalist Christians and fundamentalist Islamics as to who can manage to be the most offensive in any given week.

But in Australia and America, Islamics tend to be cowed, silenced.

Their activities in schools - separating boys and girls, banning music classes, encouraging conservative dress - tend to creep under the radar, unless they suddenly pop out as a result of protests - the latest outing being Adelaide Islamic College student forced to get haircut, protestors say.

Shades of the 1960s. Next they need to get out the ruler and measure the hemline of girls' dresses. Oh how the pond remembers and treasures the days of the ruler, and the unholy interest the nuns and priests took bending down to measure the hemline (mouthings of slobbering and slavering are permitted in any mental evocation of the scene).

The problem is that as a result of the old Christian guard wanting to keep their hold on taxpayer money, any hair brained religion can front the Australian government, and courtesy of the Australian taxpayer, score a subsidy to indulge in brain washing and hair cutting... and yet the result, in terms of gays, women, intellectuals, ideas and, it seems, hair, is very much Tweedledee and Tweedle ...dumb ...

But it's the United States which is the heartland for the truly weird and barking mad. This, courtesy of Crooks and Liars, here:

What to say, except this:

Catholic Vote is the newest up-and-coming comedy group to capture the public’s attention! Their new sketch, “Not Alone,” is absolutely hilarious and has already garnered over 500,000 views on YouTube. Oh, what? The video isn’t a joke? 
They had us fooled. “Not Alone” is the latest propaganda from religious organization Catholic Vote, and features young adults giving us such gems as “I am a little bit nervous about people hearing what I have to say” and “I’ve tried to change this before, but it’s too important to me” — all in reference to their anti-gay marriage beliefs. 
 The video is filmed in black and white, features chilling orchestral music, and is practically SCREAMING for an SNL parody (bonus: one of the women in the clip looks vaguely like Kristen Wiig). Check it out below, and try to remember: this is an actual thing that some genius somewhere thought would actually be taken seriously.

And as always there was the hate, as in Female AME Pastors In South Carolina Receive Threatening Letters.

Where does all this lead?

Oh sure, hate and fear mongering, but inevitably, being the pond, it also leads to the Murdochian press.

The Murdochians, you see, being largely made up of and run by angry old white men, with the fellow travelling help of the clueless like Sharri and the hate-filled, like Dame Slap, are close kissing cousins of the angry old white men who run the Christian churches, and the reptiles daily help out with a rearguard action of prejudice and bile ...

So today you get Akker Dakker in the Sunday Terror offering a fudging and a delaying tactic of a typical kind:

 The funniest thing? Well if you knock on the Terror's front door, this is what you cop:

That had the pond rolling jaffas down the aisles. Akker Dakker as premium content? Akker Dakker as a journalist the pond knows and trusts and worthy of the pond's few and precious shekels?

Tell 'em they're dreaming, but in any case, if you knock on the back door via google, you get the humbug bloviator in full hate-filled flight, preening and posing in his usual arm crossed way:

Ah the pesky blacks. Now what's the bet that the ABC will rear its ugly head again?

Oh dear, the pond completely forgot about the wicked Fairfaxians. 

But here's the pressing question. Will the bloviator shut up or will he keep on bloviating? Well you already know the answer to that question:

Lordy lordy Sunday Terror-ists, you want to know what the pond thinks?

It'll be a cold day in hell before the pond pays a shekel for the insights of a hate monger, and damned if we'll play the digital shell game and offer any thoughts up to a paper sheltering a rabid bloviator.

But in the circular way the pond loves, it brings us back to those enemies, the feminists, the gays, and the intellectuals and their wacky zany ideas, and thanks to Akker Dakker we can throw in the ABC and Fairfax on the faggot heap ready for a burning ...

And so the pond can add to its list of enemies, not just the Christians, the Islamics, the Scientologists, the Mormons, and any other Calathumpian it's too tedious to mention, but the Murdochians and their rabid bunch of offensive, angry, divisive and hate-filled commentariat. Ah the pond knew there'd be a place for this image, provided by another caring correspondent:

Now that's a Catholic scented perfume!

And now Mr Ould, coming back at ya a few cartoons:

Saturday, July 04, 2015

In which the pond shows off its expertise as cat and reptile whisperer ...

(Above: oh come on this is a serious blog, but we're all allowed a Saturday meme. Found here).

As a skilled cat whisperer - oh the cats and the cowboys and cowgirls the pond has herded over the years, up Tamworth way and beyond - the pond naturally thought that reptile herding would be a piece of cake, a doddle, a walk in the park.

Foolish pond.

You just can't keep the reptiles down. From the light-hearted to the solemn, they always have a view, but you never know when they're going to turn, break on the flank, and come up with a piece of gibberish that, it turns out, is at the heart of their world view.

Look at the reptiles of Oz. Now it's well known that the reptiles have their hearts set on a little recognition of Aboriginal people in the constitution.

But it must be just like the porridge in that tale of Goldilocks and the bears. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right, or put it another way, certainly not too much, perhaps not too little, but just a little above too little, and so just right ...

They've had their own in-house, pet tame black helping them measure the temperature for years, and their latest outing in today's reptilian editorial finds them in top Goldilocks form. 

Now summon up all your remaining strength because this is the reptiles in solemn mode:

You see, Goldilocks? But not a word about how the reptile approach would solve the serious problems faced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples ... except perhaps by returning to the good old days when governments were very busy legislating for indigenous people, with fabulous consequences and results ... and they're still busy doing it today, with or without changes to the constitution. Anyone for food stamps?

But hey ho, nonny no, on we go and let's see where the reptile musings will get us. Perhaps the perfect bowl of porridge?

Now let's ignore the fuss surrounding Pearson's model - Patrick Dodson raises concerns over Noel Pearson's model for recognition, What is behind Noel Pearson's change of stance ... etc - or the tragi comedy of the attempt to revive an ATSIC in some form or another, without mentioning that name or it being put to the sword by the Howard government containing one Tony Abbott - Howard puts ATSIC to death - did anyone spot the fatal flaw in the reptilian thinking?

Here it is again:

Abbott, modest change, bipartisan agreement, wide consultation and later wider consultation? Now there's a miracle of conflation, to fit all those words and the name Abbott in the one sentence.

What land does he live in, this modest marvel? Is it the same one as the boofheaded bulldozer flattening everything around him? A man so Islamic Taliban fundamentalist that the thuggee boofheads of rugby league emerge as caring, compassionate and kind people, with a sympathetic and generous capacity to understand others? People just need to get over it, says Rabbitohs star as NRL backs gay marriage.

One thing's guaranteed. If that's what's being asked of Abbott, the Billists might come on side, being craven and always open to consensus for fear of being discovered as a policy free zone, but Abbott is completely hopeless at wrangling his conservative base. 

There's no way the Bolter and all the raging, rabid, Adam Goodes booing black haters are going to come on board, no matter how minimalist Pearson cares to make his proposals and no matter how he tries to pander to the fundamentalist conservatives, who claim dear Tony as their fearless non-consultative, kick 'em in the head or the guts leader.

Let's see how Abbott's leadership continues to play out in the gay marriage debate, which has been handled without much fuss in other countries which claim some adherence to whatever "western values" might mean, droning wedding parties aside.

For that we must turn to the bouffant one, returning for another epic bout of hand-wringing apologetics today:

Yep, it's another round of the bouffant one explaining how poor Tony is caught up in the machinations of others and so simply can't do a single thing:

You see how generalities can be turned to good effect? But who were the debaters making overblown emotional claims and displaying no real judgment on what the public feels?

Sssh, please don't mention Erica, or the Asians or Pandora's Box, or bigotry, or marrying your friendly South Australian poodle, or doing a Jack Thompson with sisters, or fear of gays, or being threatened by same, let's get on with poor hapless Tony, hamstrung by absolute necessity and the tyranny of the base:

What's funny is that in the same way that the Oz reptilian editorialist delivered today an impassioned plea for Abbott to do something about Aborigines, yesterday the Oz editorialist suggested that maybe gay marriage should be allowed to happen.

But there you can also see the nonsense of all this talk of bipartisanship. In Abbott's world, bipartisan means the Billistas caving in and agreeing with Abbott and not rocking the leather-jacketed boat.

Hence the bouffant one's handwringing, because look what's happening to the coalition, what with the fluffing of the feathers, and the hissy fits, and the name calling, and the cat yowling, and the cat calling, mrrraaowwww, and the foot stamping, and the cheek slapping, and there's the Billistas getting away scott free.

Naturally the handwringing bouffant one has to be deeply sympathetic to Abbott's plight and feel the necessity of pointing out the misunderstandings about Liberal party backbenchers. Many of them remain deeply homophobic and deeply attached to their long-standing policies confirming and supporting their homophobia:

Gay marriage from an Abbott government? You'd be better off herding cats, and damned if you'll get any sense or help out of a herd of reptiles ...

Of course, as is their duty, the reptiles also provided some light relief today, because, as everyone knows, today is Prattling Polonius day, and we can always rely on Polonius to be still blathering on about an issue which reached its nadir with reptile Sherri Markson grave robbing to discover the opinions of Jonathan Shier:

Yes, the horse is well and truly dead, but they go on flogging it, and today it's the prattler's turn, arriving late to the scene like an ambulance that had only just discovered its siren:

Sweet long absent lord. If they really had a decent left liberal group think, they'd have blackballed the tedious old fart, known as Polonius to his adoring fans only, years ago ... but instead he keeps on popping up and droning on, like a gathering of cane toads or the roar of a locust plague, thereby helping the pond not to waste its time watching the commentariat talk to each other on 24 ...

But it's the weekend and the pond has suffered enough with its attempts at cat and reptile herding - as has anyone else who made it this far - so let's have a little real humour instead, thanks to First Dog, and as always find more of the good-hearted Doggie - git along lit'le dawgie, the pond loves ya, all the way to the moon and a crispy News Corp - at the Graudian here.

A photo montage ... because sometimes words can't get the job done ...

Friday, July 03, 2015

In which the pond indulges in a few sugar-flavoured Tony's kisses to get the day off to a good start ...

(Above: and more Rowe here).

Truly every day at the pond is a trip into bizarro land, and it doesn't get any more bizarre than this outing, which the reptiles at the lizard Oz bizarrely deemed an EXCLUSIVE:

Shier, Shier, Shier? Mmm, the name rings a bell, from somewhere back in the dim distant past.

Oh that's right, he's the man who did more than any other to single-handedly attempt to wreck the ABC:

It is 12 months since the ABC board removed Jonathan Shier as managing director. His 19 months at the helm were among the most traumatic in the broadcaster's 70-year history. Hardly a week went by without some new crisis. 
There were restructuring and redundancies. Executives came and went and department heads were expected to come up with lists of expendable people. Senior staff threw in the towel when forced to re-apply for their jobs or after rows that left the walls shaking. Shier once called in the federal police over a leaked memo. 
Independent producers said the organisation had become impossible to deal with; even if they got an idea up through the labyrinthine commissioning structure, they would face draconian copyright and distribution deals. "Contracts ended up being the size of a phonebook," one recalls. 
ABC funding, after more than a decade of cuts, was stretched to breaking point, a situation worsened by the millions spent on redundancies and new hirings. In April 2001, a rally organised by Friends of the ABC and the Community and Public Sector Union drew about 11,000 people. 
Things reached a climax on October 31, when board members decided Shier's position was untenable. When the news broke, staff said they could not stop smiling. Some are smiling still. 
"Is it only 10 months? It seems longer," says one senior figure when approached for this story. "It's like some distant nightmare."
Those who outlasted Shier feel they qualify for some sort of medal. "We survived a period where, at any point, it would have been so much easier to walk away," says one. "Many good people did walk away." (The pond had good friends who went down in those troubled times, and lest we forget, After the storm).

And now the reptiles have dragged him out of the vault to give him a platform. That's not so much journalism as grave robbing, or perhaps an exercise in Frankenstein science, but credit to reptile Sharri Markson, she knows how to pick total losers and dropkicks for a few thought bubbles about the issues of the day...

Meanwhile, there's been a feast of other bizarro thinking, most ably demonstrated by Eric Abetz, talking of Pandora's box and polygamy and polyamory - and, let's add, people marrying their poodles - and worrying about the Asians and what they might think, and indeed the pond is looking forward to the introduction of a little Korean-style dog-eating - don't forget the BBQ sauce - because it seems we must do what Asians do ...

Speaking of that, they wouldn't eat the poodle, would they?
Oh that'd be too cruel, but what an exemplary example of the banishment mentality that rules the Liberal roost as they go about the business of chanting two gay legs bad, four heterosexual legs only in the club of life.

Now it might be wrong of the pond to enjoy the current fuss - after all, there are real people out there for whom marriage is meaningful and they didn't grow up in the days when feminists warned the world that marriage was an oppressive, repressive trap.

But still it was a wondrous sight to see it suddenly begin to dawn on Tony Abbott's sister that indeed her brother wasn't for changing, and hell would freeze over before he changed his mind or in any way assisted in bringing forward a movement towards gay marriage.

The hapless possum had previously asserted confidently that there'd be a vote in the second half of the year and soon enough gay marriage would follow, but she reckoned without the deep, fixed inflexibility of her brother, representing as he does all that's the best in fundamentalist, homophobic, bigoted and hysterical intransigence.

Abbott's got where he is by never giving an inch, and never giving a fig for anything that once would have passed for liberal, and he's not about to change.

So there she is now, and the tone has changed:

Well you can give Fairfax a click, if you like, to read Abbott's sister Christine Forster challenges him to allow conscience vote (with bonus forced video) but the nub of it was the sister sounding forlorn:

"The cross-party private member's bill needs to be listed for debate in the parliament, which would in turn trigger discussion within the party room. If that doesn't happen it's my view the issue needs to be raised for debate in the party room," she said.
"This is something that as a party we need to define – and hopefully redefine it – our position on, that marriage is an issue on which members can exercise their consciences."

But in the same story there was more talk of banishment for anyone who spoke out of turn - isn't it remarkable how the government has taken on a medieval tone, and isn't it even more remarkable how the conservative fundamentalists sound exactly like fundamentalist Islamics when it comes to the matter of homosexuality?

All the few rational people left in the party could do was froth and foam:

Mr Abbott's comments angered some Liberal MPs, who pointed out that he had pledged to have a party room debate on the matter in this term of government. 
"If he learned anything from February, the party room is not a play thing for the Prime Minister," one Liberal MP said. 
"I think he would look like a liar if he didn't [allow a debate to go ahead]" and that the Liberal Party would look "ridiculous" if it did not back a free vote.

Look a liar? That's supposed to give him a chill of fear and hairs standing on his back?

The man is a liar, a copious full-blooded professional liar who told many, many porkies to get into power, and has since expended much energy telling many, many more as a way of staying in power.

It's a measure of how pathetic the wets are that they'd think saying Abbott would look a liar would leave a mark on Abbott's cheek, like a duelling scar. 

It's a measure of Abbott's cunning that some thought his moderate tone was more than a disguise for his stern inflexibility, and his hard, hard heart, and his rat cunning.

As always, the pond turns to the reptiles for the surest guide, and luckily the bouffant one was to hand:

Now in that ineffable, inimitable way that the reptiles routinely manage, this sounds like praise for Abbott.

The pond suggests you could construct your own headlines, at risk of a Godwin's Law fine.

You know, like Hitler consistent on Jews, or Stalin consistent on kulaks and Crimean Tatars, or Mao consistent on starving peasants, or Turkey consistent on Armenians.

But do go on bouffant one and rhapsodise about the consistency:

You see how exemplary propaganda is done? Why the man's little short of a great humanitarian statesman, even though it sometimes leads the  bouffant one into extraneous, contradictory and confused nonsense.

Here's a man doing his best to pour cold water on a legislative initiative, but who shines and gleams as the bouffant one polishes his status as a parliamentarian who prefers legislators to deal with legislative matters ...

But the bouffant one really won the pond's heart with his final analogy:

Leaders need to know that you go home from the dance “with the one that brung you” no matter how nice you are to the others at the dance.

Which is as tidy a way as any to avoid mentioning that the ones that Abbott dances with are the fundamentalist homophobes out there, standing alongside the Islamic fundamentalist agenda on gay rights ...

Never mind, it's the end of the week, and the pond was entranced by the fuss over lollies. In the old days, it was a tradition to head off to the corner store on a Sunday after mass, and buy an assortment of lollies from the jars, and then fight fiercely for a proper share with siblings, and then store them and ostentatiously bring out a treasured favourite and ostentatiously eat said lolly in front of the greedy guts who'd already scoffed their lot.

The store's long gone in Tamworth - what a heartbreak town it is - and the siblings scattered, but the pond was entranced to learn that this tradition can continue, thanks to First Dog on the Moon.

Already the pond has put aside a few treasured favourites - no doubt they'll come in handy - and you can select your own favourites by heading off to the Graudian here.

The pond always loved milk bottles, but look at the fabulous new range:

And best of all, given the current curmudgeonly news of the day: